


The Road to Valhalla is Long

by spitfyre



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Dubious Consent, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-19
Updated: 2011-03-19
Packaged: 2017-10-17 02:57:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/172184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spitfyre/pseuds/spitfyre
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of difficult firsts for Rodney</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Road to Valhalla is Long

**1st Time Rodney realized he could never have what he needed:**

 

The first time Rodney realized that he couldn't get what he needed from his parents, he was three years old and in the "why" stage of development. The kitchen was warm and full of light; his mother was attempting to bake brownies once again. His father was pacing in the hallway and yelling at the phone. None of this mattered because it was snowing outside, big fat snowflakes clumped together into snow puffs.

Rodney squinted, wiped the fog from the class and looked closer at the flakes. "Mom, why do the big snowflakes not fall faster?"

His mom cursed and Rodney was suddenly scared. His mom never cursed. His dad stomped into the kitchen yelling even louder and Rodney scooted away.

"Damn it Jim, I can't get anything done with him under foot."

"Fucking woman, you can never cook anything. You burned another damn pan."

"Well what you expect with me always having to answer questions about snowflakes and how the toilet flushes. I can't do this alone Jim."

Rodney watches wide eyed from the far side of the kitchen as his parents start to yell even louder. His dad is waving the phone around and it looks like his mom his turning purple. He doesn't understand them just like he doesn't understand the way Bobby from next door likes to punch him in the arm. He just doesn't understand.

Next time he won't ask why, he'll find out for himself.

 

 **1st Time Rodney realizes that no one will save him:**

 

It's dark in the room they put him in with only one fluorescent light bulb flashing in the ceiling. If he wasn't so panicked maybe he could figure out the exact variation between each flash. Instead Rodney wipes his sweaty hands on his dirty corduroy pants. They used to be light tan in color, but now they are covered with the remains of Thomas' volcano display. Moron. He couldn't even construct the volcano right.

There's only a faint clicking noise coming from the fan in the corner, the rest of the room and maybe even the world, is silent. Rodney knows it's stupid but for a few moments he feels completely alone in the world, as if time stopped freezing everyone but him. He doesn't want to be alone.

He's young, but pretty sure that it isn't supposed to be happening like this. His dad should be demanding his release, his mother should be crying. Hell, he's Canadian. He's only a kid. Instead in a numb sort of fashion he realizes that no one is coming for him. No one is going to save him. He's trapped in a windowless dark room and the Americans have him.

It wasn't even an operational bomb.

 

 **1st Time Rodney had to kill someone:**

 

His name was Jefferies McCoy, he had two kids that loved him, a Shi Tzu , and was the Kmart equivalent in the arms trafficking business. Jefferies was IRA and living under a pseudo name, Williams Brown in Boston, MA. He supplied two civil wars in Africa and was the leading supplier of the Weathermen and other terrorists groups around the world.

Rodney supposed all of this information was supposed to make him feel better after he rigged Jefferies' Land Rover to blow sky high. The reality is, watching his widow and two small boys cry over a closed casket because Jefferies was too melted to properly display, Rodney realized it wasn't enough. The CIA recruited him early and they trained him well. What they didn't account for is someone who could build a nuclear bomb under the age of 18 would actually have a conscience. Rodney didn't realize it either.

The first man he killed wasn't the last, but it was the last for the CIA.

 

 **1st Time Rodney wants to be a fashion guru:**

 

The first time Rodney sees John Sheppard he's already in mid-rant calling him an idiot. Sheppard takes it in stride, asking in a sardonic voice, "Did I do that." Suddenly Rodney is no longer irritated, he's furious. The ease that Sheppard, a grunt, is using to operate a technology far above his pay grade is jarring and Rodney takes the opportunity to curse his parent's bad genes. The major continues to operate the chair showing even more detailed diagrams of the outpost, the solar system, and what looks like the Ancient equivalent of a BLT. Rodney snaps his fingers, makes a sarcastic comment, and waits for the blow up. Sheppard just raises an eyebrow and make the chair sit up. The damn thing is one step away from begging like a demented retriever.

The major jumps up faster than he should be able to (no one over 20 should be able to in fact) and stands close to Rodney. Suddenly Rodney is aware of the man's scent, the way his cold weather gear molds itself to his body, and the green flecks in Sheppard's hazel eyes. Rodney, for all of his intensely amazing genius is in orange fleece one size to big, has the imprint of the right side of the keyboard on his cheek, and half of his hair is standing on end. But why the orange fleece? He should be wearing a custom made Armani snow jacket. He's got the money to make most designers sit up and beg. Why didn't he bother?

Sheppard opens his mouth, brow still quirked. Rodney snorts and stomps away preventing the anticipatory witty comment the major had in store for him. Rodney hates the orange fleece and loves it at the same time. Rodney hates Sheppard for making him think like a school girl for a brief moment and is glad that thoughts like "does this fleece make me look fat" or "does this color complement my eyes" didn't manage to be spoken.

Rodney hates the insecure feeling that he's squashed all of his life, the feelings of inferiority that his life has beaten into him. "I will not go back to Siberia" is still his chant. Sheppard or not, Rodney's earned his place on this expedition.

Rodney wonders about the health risk of a boner in sub-degree temperatures, but thinks Carson won't want to hear about it.

 

 **1st Time Rodney meets Nancy he feels inferior:**

 

The first time Rodney meets Nancy, Sheppard and him are waiting in a Chicago airport for their connecting flight to Canada. Jeanne is being demanding this Christmas, not accepting the facts that Rodney is an atheist and lives several billion light years away as excuses. She also demanding that Rodney bring Sheppard with him based on some sort of heart to heart that probably had on Atlantis at his expense. Rodney's not really mad, but is slightly uncomfortable bringing Sheppard home to the family. It brings up connotations that he really would like to be true but aren't. Sheppard is ignoring any awkwardness in his usually laconic way responding with "cool" to the invite and now slouching unconcerned in hell's backyard, also known as O'Hare airport.

"John!" A high pitch squeal has Rodney sitting up and reaching for a gun that he doesn't have. John is up out of his seat and striding across the waiting room to an elegant brunette woman with legs up to her chin. They hug and kiss, talking softly for a moment before walking back to Rodney. Rodney's back is a mess of tension, coiled and ready to snap. What the hell.

John looks sheepish behind the beautiful woman as she reaches forward to shake Rodney's belatedly offered hand. "Nancy Sheppard, Dr. Nancy Sheppard." Rodney's half smile freezes and his heart sinks to his heels. Sheppard no longer looks sheepish, but non-committal with Nancy obliviously smiling at both of them.

"You're married?" Rodney finally asks softly.

Nancy pats John's arm, and almost melts into John's suddenly rigid stance. They look perfect together, like models of domestic bliss. Rodney swallows hard and tries to look more welcoming because even the oblivious Nancy is starting to catch on that something is wrong. Rodney's airways are tightening and he wonders belatedly if one can be allergic to heart break. He's literally saved by the bell as John is opening his mouth to say something their flight is called over the loud speaker. Rodney grabs his carry on and darts away to the gate, not daring to look back at the perfect picture the two of them make.

Rodney's not sure if he's relieved or upset when John sits next to him in first class 10 minutes later. John is uncharacteristically still and doesn't say anything to Rodney until they are almost ready to land in Canada. Rodney closes his eyes when he hears ex-wife and pediatric oncologist feeling embarrassed because he wasn't female and dedicated to saving child cancer patients.

Rodney wonders if he feels inferior because she was married to John or because John will never greet him like he did Nancy. He decides to stop calling Sheppard, John, even in his head.

 

 **1st Time Rodney realized close is no cigar:**

 

The first time Sheppard and Rodney have sex they are locked together in a small enclave and Sheppard has been drugged out of his mind. The Endorrans believe that they cannot trade with sexually incompetent individuals and since Teyla is on her monthly, Sheppard is given Rodney to prove his sexual fortitude. Sheppard's pupils are blown wide that only a glimmer of hazel shows around the edge and his nails are about ripped to shreds from scrambling in the dirt to keep himself from jumping Rodney. Rodney watches this all with a bit of resignation seeing Teyla and Ronon restrained on the edge of the enclave with some sort of cattle prod contraption that would put even a Wraith on its ass. Ronon's been hit with it three times and is still struggling. Teyla only once.

Rodney turns back to Sheppard watching him wheeze in air dryly and begging under his breath to stop him, just kill him. Rodney imagines that Sheppard feels like a rapist about to spin out of control. The first step towards Sheppard is the hardest, not because Rodney knew where this night is going to end, but because he knows that Sheppard will hate him for it. The explanations Rodney could give to comfort Sheppard out of thinking that this was going to be rape would only make Sheppard never speak to him again.

What red blooded American military officer wanted to hear that their same sex friend is in love with them? Rodney knew how it would end. With silence and recriminations, and the thought "did you plan for this?" Rodney would no longer be the one who was raped, but the rapier through opportunity.

Every step Rodney takes towards Sheppard causes the Colonel to scramble back faster. Rodney winces when he sees a finger nail loose and bloody on the enclave floor. Rodney stoops and moves slower towards Sheppard making nonsensical noises, like he would when his cat was terrified of a thunderstorm. Rodney feels absolute calm when he sees Sheppard's terrified face when he runs out of places to run. Back flat to wall Sheppard wheezes faster holding himself back from Rodney with only sheer will fighting the endorphin laden drug.

Rodney pauses and reaches out a hand to touch Sheppard. "It's okay John. Come here." And Sheppard does. Later after the rough scrape of sex without lube and the long limping walk to Stargate, Rodney takes a deep breath of courage and says to Sheppard, "I wanted it. I wanted you." Sheppard's tight face and complete silence confirms Rodney's suspicions.

He's like Icarus coming too close to the sun.

 

 **1st Time Rodney realizes he's not smart enough:**

 

The first time Rodney is aware that he's not as smart as he needs to be is Doranda. In the past just Sheppard's command to fix it or the city's impending doom was enough to create a miracle (if he believed in such things) that Rodney believed that he could do no wrong.

It was only after the fact that Rodney figured out what exactly went wrong in Doranda. He just wasn't smart enough to be any real use to the expedition. While good in emergency situations like the siege, Rodney couldn't deliver when more important things were on the line, like an unlimited source of energy that would have provided protection from the Wraith and the Ori for two galaxies. Instead he destroyed most of an unoccupied solar system and lost the trust of the entire expedition, but more importantly of John. Rodney would do anything for John. John. John. John. I'm sorry.

A cold hand brushes his forehead and Rodney realizes that he's still in the infirmary.

"Rest Rodney." And he does.

Later, after his weeklong infirmary stay due to an infection contracted on Endorra, he doesn't ask why Sheppard stops the silent treatment or why Ronon put a hole through the infirmary wall. He definitely doesn't ask why Teyla follows him around the first couple days out of the infirmary. It's enough to know that he wasn't smart enough to get everyone out of the situation on Endorra.

He knows he'll never be smart enough.

 

 **1st Time Rodney realized he wasn't what was needed:**

 

The first time Rodney realized that he wasn't trained in a way that was desperately needed was when Ronon went down in the field. It was a typical mission for their team: meet natives, offend natives, run to save life, and fire fight. It was atypical because Ronon went down with a small "oh" in the middle of a jungle forest two miles from the nearest gate. Sheppard was screaming at Ronon to get up and was firing back at the angry Fillosians. Teyla was crouched over Ronon frantically packing gauze around the arrow low on Ronon's abdomen. Rodney wished he learned voodoo from Carson before he left or from Jennifer since then.

Knowing that he was of no use to Ronon in a medical sense, Rodney turned back to the fire fight and sent his P90 firing in steady retorts. He listened to Sheppard increasingly frantic swears and to Teyla's softly panicked voice.

Ronon grunted and managed to stand up with assistance. The team retreated under heavy fire to the gate, Ronon's arms strung over Rodney's and Teyla's shoulders and Sheppard causing mayhem behind them.

Never again would Rodney be unprepared in the field.

 

 **1st Time Rodney realized he was home:**

 

The first time Rodney ever felt like he was home was not a special night in any fashion. The team was crowded around a tiny laptop in Ronon's room. Rodney was swearing as he was setting up a better sound system than the tiny speakers available on the cheap Dells that SGC provided. Ronon was trying to start a popcorn fight with Teyla knowing that he couldn't possibly win with his stomach wound. Sheppard sat on the edge of the bed biting his lower lip and muttering about the Deloran as he shuffled through the DVDs that Rodney had brought along.

Rodney looked back at the three of them and froze in wonder. Teyla's face was almost glowing as she giggled as Ronon was removing popcorn from her hair. Ronon moved easily even with his wound, but he had a contented look on his face that he only ever showed in private. Rodney was surprised to realize that to Ronon, the team was private. And Sheppard was looking at Rodney like he was aware of Rodney's thoughts. Sheppard smiled and tossed a DVD at Rodney which he unbelievably caught.

Rodney turned back to the crap ass Dell and thought, "Home."

 

 **1st Time Rodney realizes he's not going to be left behind:**

 

It's becoming a theme for his team to be injured, threatened, and tortured while exploring Pegasus. It's becoming more of a theme of Rodney's life to get the shit end of the stick. It's not the first dark room he's been trapped in, and hopefully it won't happen again. Rodney finds it as unlikely that he'll be able to leave. He has no expectations this time that his parents are coming for him, and he finds it even more unlikely that the Genii rebels are going to release him voluntarily like the CIA did. They seem to be very keen on the idea of Rodney playing Geppetto and making a continuous supply of radioactive weaponry in exchange for food and water. Too bad Rodney doesn't agree.

The first beating isn't as bad as it could have been; Rodney's had worse in college. Bruises fade and aren't that great of a motivator to inspire him to create weapons of mass destruction for their enemy. The second beating isn't so much a beating as torture. Most of his left hand is useless now and Rodney's pretty sure he has internal bleeding. Rodney's doesn't remember much of the third beating, only that the skin on the bottom of his right foot no longer is on his body and he's so feverish he can't even remember how many people were in the room at the time. The fourth and fifth beatings run together in his head. The only thing he can really remember is his babbling for them to stop and knowing that if they do stop he would still never do what they wanted.

Rodney wakes up, face flat on an unpleasantly rank wet floor. There's a flat bowl of gruel not too far away from his nose, but he's more interested in the water flask next to it. He inches his body closer to the water and freezes when even that small motion was too much. There is a rushing noise in his ears and a thin whining animal like sound that he's embarrassed to realize is him.

The puddles and ground shake beneath his face at the same time a loud boom echoes across the complex. Rodney can't motivate himself to care that the Genii rebel group have managed to blow themselves up during a weapons test phase. He only wishes it was closer so he didn't have to make that sound again. Minutes or maybe hours later, the cell door to his small world bangs open and he hears Ronon swearing and shouting, "Sheppard." Rodney makes the effort to try to flop over on to his other side to see the door that's open at his back. He can't believe what he's heard; he must be hallucinating. They came back. But he makes that embarrassing sound once again as the world whites out.

Rodney comes back to Sheppard whispering his name, "Rodney." Rodney turns up one eyeball, the only part of his body not hurting, to see Sheppard who is looking absurdly distressed.

"Shit Rodney, we tried to get back. We tried." Sheppard is patting his body and moving his extremities around checking for something. All Rodney can think is pain, pain, pain. And suddenly Sheppard stops.

"Sorry, had to check if we could move you. Shit, Rodney, I'm sorry." Rodney realizes that he's still making pained noises and probably had been since Ronon arrived.

"Rodney, look at me for a second. We got to move you. We've got a jumper a few yards outside the base, but Rodney this is going to hurt," Sheppard pauses and looks like he's going to break. Rodney wants to comfort him. To let him know it was okay. They came for him. That's enough. He's okay with dying.

"It's going to be me and Ronon carrying you. Lorne and a shitload of angry marines are clearing the way." Ronon is suddenly there and they are moving him.

Rodney feels himself slip away unable to respond to Sheppard's frantic, "Stay with me."

He's okay because he knows that they came back for him.

 

 **1st Time Rodney realizes that Sheppard is smarter than him:**

 

Rodney hobbles to the door irritated at the constant chiming. He's irritated with a lot these days when he knows he should be grateful to be alive. It's sad though, he realizes that he would have been okay with dying. Okay knowing that life couldn't become any better than the moment his team came for him. Life couldn't be any better than Sheppard's tragically worried face. Rodney imagines what it would be like if Sheppard would take more than just friendship from him. Would that feeling in his chest just get bigger?

Rodney waves his hand over the control panel removing the privacy controls that prevented whoever was outside from coming in. Sheppard is there entering the room before the door completely opens. Sheppard's in his face, worried eyes glancing at Rodney and then assessing the room for danger. Hazel eyes dart back to Rodney, narrow, and then Sheppard in all of his eloquence says, "Idiot."

Rodney opens his mouth to protest only to find Sheppard kissing him. Devouring kisses, then John slows down placing open mouthed kisses all over Rodney's face and moving him gently back into the room. Rodney is elated and fearful at the same time, a weird sensation. Wondering what the heck was going on. John who hadn't touched him in any fashion after Endorra, not including when he had hauled Rodney through the gate after breaking him free from the Genii. John was kissing Rodney when he wasn't under the influence of any drugs. Rodney pulled back and looked at John with his hair somehow more messy than usual.

John looked back and cocked an eyebrow in his irritating fashion. "Wow, Jeanne was right. You don't know."

Rodney sputtered since his sister was now involved with kissing John and where the hell did that come from. Rodney's foot hurt more than usual and Rodney could no longer look at John, who was already in a few brief minutes back to Sheppard.

Then Sheppard was there in his space again, gently grasping his elbow and leading him to a chair. "Hey, hey." He called trying to get Rodney's attention. "You can't possibly not know."

"Know what?" Rodney was tired and done with this dance.

"Rodney, look at me." And Rodney did. Sheppard's eyes were warm and intent on Rodney's face looking at him with such focus it froze the air in Rodney's lungs. John chuckled when he saw Rodney catch on.

"How long?" Rodney whispered unable to look away. Please let me not be dreaming.

"Since that hot orange fleece." John leaned forward to kiss him and Rodney let him in.

And Rodney's okay because even though John didn't say it, doesn't mean it's not true. Finally.


End file.
